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THE HORSE'S (BLEEP)

    Once a horse leapt the fence and ran up and down the land.
    To be honest, it wasn’t actually a horse but rather a horse’s (bleep) that leapt the fence and ran up and down the land.
    And to be more honest still, it wasn’t exactly unexpected that the horse’s (bleep) would leap the fence and run up and down—one might almost say “run amuck”—in the land. Many, in fact, had seen this possibility coming for a long, long time. “Simply judge for yourself from its behavior in the past,” they observed, presumably meaning that anybody with eyes to see and the smallest measure of horse sense could have predicted what would eventually happen. 
    There was no denying that signs of erratic, stumbling, often alarming behavior had been evident for years. Rumors had buzzed about the horse’s (bleep) and its unseemly hankering to draw attention to itself through any means necessary, many times in ways that were distinctly messy or showed flagrant disregard for the health and welfare of others. These episodes could require entire squads of handlers to clean up the aftermath, in most instances so faithfully that with the passage of a little time, it might be conceded something or other had taken place, but nothing untoward or meriting public concern.
    Such tireless efforts were the norm because the horse’s (bleep), notwithstanding the obvious dangers associated with its willful antics, was the darling of its handlers. They continued to follow it everywhere it went, long after the warning signs of shocking things to come could no longer be ignored. One would think those who prided themselves on “looking a horse in the mouth” before risking anything on its future would have acted accordingly in this case, and yet precisely the opposite occurred. Rather than concerning themselves much with the horse’s mouth, they marched en masse around to inspect the other end and make up their minds only then.
    Once gathered there, they were treated to the most extraordinary phenomenon: a loud rodomontade from the horse’s (bleep) that despite all its past misbehavior, it had decided to reform its ways. As proof of this intent, it then let those assembled know, it was willing to take the selfless step of putting itself forward for high public office. What’s more, it solemnly declared that if elected, it would accept the honor with all the humility it could muster and conduct itself accordingly forevermore. Feeling the irresistible surge of big ideas, the horse's (bleep) was certain the electorate would be duly impressed once the horse's (bleep) began laying those big ideas before them and, as a result, its handlers would be richly rewarded for their trust.
    Such hubris in a horse’s (bleep) was enough to take the breath away, and probably a number of the listeners’ brain cells as well. But boldly citing history, the horse’s (bleep) reminded all doubters that an emperor once made his favorite horse a member of the Roman Senate, so there was ample precedent for its own success as well. And if a history lesson wasn’t enough, the nation’s highest court had already signaled it was fully prepared to rule that a horse’s (bleep) could be considered a person and therefore, ipso facto, a potential president. Victory wasn’t so far fetched as reason might suggest.
    Taking its cue from the wild cheering that arose at this self-confident sally, the horse’s (bleep) up and leapt the aforementioned fence. 
    When last seen, it was charging up and down the land in ever more erratic patterns, looking for all the world dangerously off balance but just managing, to ardent cries of encouragement from the handlers stepping gingerly this way and that in its wake, to stay erect until the next lurch in a new direction. (bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep)