The Pushmi-Pullyu

THE PUSHMI-PULLYU
    Once a pushmi-pullyu appeared as a guest on public television.
    With a head at both ends, the pushmi-pullyu was understandably attractive to the hosts of news and public affairs programs seeking opposing views on issues of the day. 
    The pushmi-pullyu could have opted to become a regular on one of the cable networks, making a name for itself in the customary shout-and-snigger innuendo-matches that fill so much of the broadcast schedule there, but it saw itself as being superior to such behavior. The public television format of equally divided opinions on every question delivered in self-assured, lecture-like tones agreed far better with the pushmi-pullyu’s view of itself.
    For years it had been cultivating precisely this art of self-canceling commentary in the halls of academe and in famous think tanks. Whatever the dispute, it had become adept at supporting opposite sides with the same degree of conviction and at demonstrating the mental deftness to change positions without ever seeming to. 
    The pushmi-pullyu’s curriculum vitae was double the length of any of its colleagues’ and listed publication after publication with titles containing a colon in the middle to balance a cleverly cryptic opening with a follow-up phrase intended to make sense of it. On occasion, the pushmi-pullyu replaced the colon with the word “or,” and it may have been this “or” that especially appealed to producers charged with recruiting evenly divided Rolodex authorities for safe, no-offense, fifteen-minute zero-sum discussions.
    The pushmi-pullyu never disappointed its hosts. On any issue, it could always be counted on to respond with one head to a “What do you think about our previous guest’s statement?” with an appropriate counter-opinion and then, without missing a beat, switch to the other head and counter the counter-opinion in turn. 
    In addition, because it was always pulling against itself, the pushmi-pullyu had the welcome characteristic of never going very far in any direction, thus allowing virtually the same sets of opinions to be recycled again and again, night after night, for the edification of the audience.
    All went well until a child touring the studio one day as part of a school field trip saw the pushmi-pullyu waiting to go on and asked, “Excuse me, but since you’ve got a head at both ends, where does the ‘you know what’ come out?”