The Unicorn

THE UNICORN

Once a unicorn lost its horn trying to make a career change.
There wasn’t much future, it discovered, in being merely a unicorn.
“You need to upgrade your skill set,” the unicorn was told by a career consultant with whom it had made an appointment to discuss its prospects. “The first thing for us to do is quantify and qualify your experience so far and see where we stand. Now tell me about yourself. Just keep talking while I take a few notes.”
“Well, I am a unicorn.”
“Yes? Yes?”
“That pretty much sums it up, I guess.”
“No, no, no. You can’t walk into an interview with that mindset. You’ll be toast. Now let’s prioritize to optimize and actualize. Start by trying to describe yourself in one sentence.”
“I am a unicorn.”
“You’ve said that.”
“I am a mythic being. Is that better?”
The consultant leaned back, stared at the ceiling a moment, snapped a brightly striped suspender, and then looked again at the unicorn. “Let’s think outside the box for a bit. E-commerce is big, big, big these days. Is there anything about you that could take the letter ‘e’ in front of it?”
“Ethereal.”
“That’s not exactly what I had in mind.”
“Elusive?”
“Worse.”
“Elegant? Exquisite?”
“Let’s try a different tack. Now work with me here. What would you say is your greatest strength?”
“I am unique.”
“That’s on everybody’s résumé these days, trust me.”
“I am what I am.”
“All very well, but who’s going to pay good money just to have a unicorn around the place?”
“I represent a peerless and pure ideal.”
“We need to be thinking ‘pragmatic’ and ‘profitoriented’ here, not some fuzzy ‘ideal.’ Let’s get back to basics and try quantification and qualification of your experience to date. What can you tell me about that?”
“Knights and damsels thought well of me.”
“Knights and damsels, eh? This is getting us nowhere, I can tell. So here’s what I propose. I’ll network with some other career planners I know, and you write out a list of your strengths, weaknesses, objectives, and whatever else you can think of. That’ll give us a platform to work up a package that’ll market your full potential by maximizing your selling points. How’s that sound?”
The unicorn was silent for a few moments and then said, “Do you mind if I ask a question?”
“Fire away.”
“How much will all of this cost me?”
“Should that be our primary concern right now? It’s your future we’re talking about, let’s not forget. I’m sure we can work out an easy payment schedule.”
“I’m afraid I have no money.”
The career consultant stared at the unicorn, then looked up at the ceiling again and asked, “How about that horn? What’s that worth?”